don’t tell me to breathe.
i’ve been breathing for years and it still burns.
what’s the point of lungs if all they do is hold in screaming?
you call it living
i call it not being dead yet.
there’s a difference.

this isnt a poem.
this is me shaking.
this is my fingers writing because if i don’t,
i’ll rip my own skin off just to feel anything
or maybe nothing.
nothing sounds so quiet.
nothing sounds like peace.

i thought about it last night
and the night before
and probably tonight again.
not because i want to
but because my head won’t shut up,
it’s a broken speaker,
screaming you’re useless
you’re broken
you’r DONE
on repeat

people say “you’re not alone”
but where the HELL are they at 3am
when i’m curled up shaking,
staring at the ceiling,
thinking about rope
thinking about falling
thinking about if it would even MATTER

(crazy, right?)
i laugh sometimes
not because it’s funny
but because i think if i stop laughing,
i’ll start screaming
and i won’t stop.

my chest is a locked door
and someone’s BANGING from the inside
and i can’t let them out
and i don’t know if they’re me or not.

i’m tired
SO TIRED
of pretending i’m okay
just to keep everyone else from being uncomfortable
as if my suffering is rude
as if my sadness should whisper
while everyone else shouts their joy

i DON’T need a pep talk
i need OUT
i need silence
i need sleep WITHOUT dreams
i need to disappear just long enough
to stop feeling like this

but i’m still here
why
WHY
why am i still here
is it habit
or fear
or guilt
or just some stupid part of me that still thinks the sunrise might FIX ME

…but it never does.
and i’m tired of waiting.

i feel my thoughts getting LOUDER
faster
heavier
like the walls are closing in
like the air is thicker
like i can’t even THINK STRAIGHT ANYMORE
I CAN’T DO THIS
I CAN’T DO THIS
I CAN’T—

...

but then it goes quiet.

no more panic
no more screaming
just a hush
a soft
cold
stillness

and for the first time in years
i feel calm.

don’t say you’re sorry
don’t say you wish you knew
you DID
and you didn’t ask
and now it’s too late.

you can’t stop me
you never could
so don’t try.

dont try
dont act
dont speak

by the time you read this
i might already be gone.