The bell rings for school to be dismissed and I breathe out a sigh of relief. I gather up my things and walk outside to the parking lot to find my mom`s car.
I can feel everybody`s eyes on me and I can hear them whispering about what had happened with Shaun. I try to walk faster to avoid the laughter surrounding me. Please don`t be late, please don`t be late, is all I can think of. I see her car and I`m practically sprinting to it.
"How was school?" she asks, smiling.
Terrible, terrible, terrible. It couldn`t`ve been worse. I hate that school and everybody in it! Shaun, who I thought was so different turned out to be your typical jock, I`m almost positive Terra wants me dead, the rest of her friends think I`m a loser... What could`ve been worse? The events of today replay in mymind over and over and over again, until I remember I was asked a question.
"Fine," I lie through gritted teeth. I manage a slight smile.
"You sure? You seem like you`re holding back something."
"No, really it was fine, I`m just... tired." Which isn`t a complete lie, I am tired. I`m tired of being bullied, tired of thinking I could ever be somebody, tired of having so many feelings ripping apart my insides, clawing for release, and I`m tired of having nobody to vent to about those feelings. I`m tired of living. Or is it that I`m tired of not having a purpose to live? Sometimes I`m not sure.
I wish I could talk to my mom about everything I go through, and it isn`t that I can`t, but she wouldn`t be able to understand in the way I need her to. Of course she`d try, but it just wouldn`t work.
I wish that Alice was alive, I`d go to her in a flash. She always knew what to say and when to say it. I`d be able to spill every feeling, and she`d understand, and if she didn`t then she did one hell of a job pretending to. Even her advice seemed like she knew what it was like to live my unfortunate life without actually living it, and for that, I will always admire her.