Five bites
To get a taste of the food
Then I leave the rest
My mom asks, “Not hungry tonight?”
I shake my head
Wrestling with the thoughts of weight gain

I’ve memorized the numbers
String cheese - <1 carb - safe to eat
Stick of spearmint gum to cover up the smell of nicotine - 4 carbs - safe to chew
A cigarette to offset the addiction to sugar
An addiction to cigarettes to lose pounds
50 carbs per 24 hours

I step on a scale and it reminds me
That I grapple with depression everyday
I gained .2 pounds
And I want to kill myself for the lack of self control
How could I have eaten this, that, and the other thing?
I make sure my punishment is harsh

My brain plays tug of war
Between “you’re happy as you are” and “fix yourself”
Useless blame placed on my past actions
As I try to make strides to lose more
I pray to intermittent fasting and liquid diets
I walk it all off and somehow become heavier

I put in the effort
With nothing to show for it
It’s a real motivator when
I pull out a picture from 2 years and 30 pounds ago
My friends still hesitate to say
That I look any different

It’s enough to make me want to give up
To say fuck it, I tried
But the numbers keep accumulating
See, I know it’ll be worth it
When I can finally look in the mirror and
Not feel absolute disgust for the state of myself

It’s one more thing to stress about
The rise and fall of the number on the scale
The 8,340 steps on average that I push myself to take
The fear of never reaching my goal weight
I really hope that I can end it all
If that’s a choice I choose to make