Oh no oh god its Doom Annihilation. The movie I have been eagerly awaiting with horrified curiosity of just how bad it was going to be. Was it going to be better than Doom 2005 or much much worse?

Worse. It was going to be worse. So. Much. Worse.

This movie was cheap. Like it physically looks cheap. I know it's direct to DVD so it obviously wasn't big budget but come on. Everything is plastic! Guns? Obviously plastic. Sets? Plastic! Armor? P l a s t i c. Everything is plastic and looks very obviously like plastic. It was so painfully obvious on the characters guns it actually kept distracting me. They looked like toy guns, it was mildly entertaining.

I can't tell which of the two Doom movies that now exist I hate more. On one hand Doom 2005 has zero to do with Doom other than the UAC is a thing in it, but I liked parts of the movie and I'm still willing to watch it again if someone asked me to. On the other hand Doom Annihilation has demons and hell, yet it still doesn't feel like a Doom movie? It feels like they just did their own thing and slapped Doom on as an after thought. Oh and the acting is atrocious. It honestly feels like a student film.

Look I'm no actor but I noticed that in a few scenes where the "marines" are supposed to be doing shit like clearing hallways and making sure there aren't any threats etc, the background characters who aren't actively doing that just stand there awkwardly like they're out of place. Characters also constantly go from being angry or scared to just straight faced at the drop of a hat. Especially with our main protagonist. I remember there's a scene where the captain guy locks himself in a room full of zombies and the main character is daintily beating on the glass and daintily yelling because the guy's getting the eaten. Then she just whips around straight faced like nothings happening and off they go. Like damn bitch you got some quick mood swings.

Speaking of characters I don't remember half of them. There's like some nerd scientist guy, Betruger who's the main bad guy, Main character bitch who I hate, and the other marines who's the only other one with a name I remember besides the main bitch. His name was Winslow and he's a FUCKING COWARD.

I really really don't like the main character. Her name is Joan Dark and she has about as much personality as a rock painted with a smiley face. She's also about as intimidating as that same rock. I don't know what it is about her name but I hate it so much. For some reason it just makes me think of when little kids who don't know how to make good characters make an edgy mary sue? Like thats the name I'd expect an edgy mary sue to have, Joan Dark. I think it might be because it doesn't sound like a name, apparently the characters name is a reference to Joanna Dark from Perfect Dark? But see Joanna Dark sounds more like a name unlike Joan Dark for some reason, at least to me.

Either way I hate Joan. She's boring and the typical "Our character is a mysterious badass but fuck you and fuck your intelligence you will never learn a single thing about this character except for when we have the villian directly tell you what she did." She's also just really out of place in this movie. Like I'm sorry but this woman would not be a Marine. She is a twig. I'm not saying she should look like a roid rager or something but like, lucky for us all those props were pure plastic because if the BFG she gets later in the movie was real she would not have been able to lift it. It's just really weird to see this chick fighting off things that are supposed to be demons that would realistically have killed her five seconds after they showed up. Especially because she's fighting them hand to hand.

Most of the characters honestly have a problem with looking out of place. The nerd guy looks more like he should be getting ready to go to a college class than going to a fucking martian moon with a bunch of space marines.

Segwaying off of talking about a martian moon for a second. None of these fucking people know how to say Phobos. It was annoying me everytime it came out of their mouths. They kept saying it like "Fo-bis" but from what I know Phobos is pronounced how its spelled. I've also heard it pronounced as "Fo-buhs" which still sounds weird and wrong but its closer than the movie! Or maybe I'm just wrong though because I live in backwater middle of nowhere.

This movie had one whole thing going for it and that was the demons. It was a Doom movie and it finally had demons. The demons are kind of a mixed bag though. A very small mixed bag. A mixed bag of Zombies, a couple imps or something, actual what I think are cgi imps at the end and a uh.. whatever that last thing was.

The zombies look like generic horror movie zombies but they're like blue. For some reason. It's whatever nothing special. They're basically just generic zombies but like fast. The fuckers are agile one like does Parkour up onto a ladder I think the Winslow character was climbing.

Then there's like the imp... things. I have no clue what they're supposed to be. They don't look like any demons from the game but they throw fireballs like Imps. Hell Knights also throw fire but they don't look like Hell Knights so I have no clue what these blue and red fuckers are I'm just gonna call em demon Spider-Man cause of the colors. Whatever they are they are clearly just guys in costumes. It's cool the movie used a lot of practical effects, I'll give em credit for that. Doesn't mean the practical effects look good though.
It's also super easy to tell they only had one of the Demon Spider-Man costumes because you never see more than one of them onscreen at a time.

Then you have what I actually know are imps. The only reason I know that though is because the director showed off some art of them on his Twitter and confirmed they're imps. They uh, they don't look like Imps either. They look cool for what it's worth though, just. Not really recognizable as Imps. I would have assumed they were either something from Doom 3 I don't know about or like weird Hell Razers. But the movies based on the first 3 games not 2016 so it wouldn't be Hell Razers.
Either way the Imps only show up at the very end of the movie and do fuck all. They like chase Joan through hell a little. Then she's gone and a long with it the kind of cool looking Imps.

So I have no idea what that last thing is supposed to be. I don't even think it would have been something from Doom 3. Whatever it is though I kinda like it. It looks pretty cool and how it shows up is noice. Its like this weird vaguely knight looking thing that forms up from the ground and is filled with fire. Too bad flamey demon knight thing doesn't get to do jack shit.
It yells at Joan for a bit about being a shitty human, then it sics the Imps on her. Then she blasts it and its gone.

The last 30 minutes of the movie were really the only parts of it I genuinely liked. I liked the little bit in Hell, mostly because even though they don't look like what they're supposed to be, the demons looked cool. Also just Betruger basically just telling Joan "Fuck you, you can't kill me if I'm already dead" after she shoots him was cliché but I hate Joan so I instantly like Betruger more. Then the end was just kind of lame. It was a generic set up for a sequel this movie hopefully won't get.

This movie isn't even really like a good bad type of thing to me. It's just bad. I usually don't care about characters in movies but this was honestly on another level of me not fucking liking characters. Usually I atleast like the antagonist of a movie, but I don't really like Betruger. He's also barely there so it's kind of whatever.

Infact I thought a character was still alive at one point when they weren't. There death had that little impact I fucking forgot they died. I would have said I atleast liked the captain character who died to a bunch of the zombies, but he was barely in the movie and I only liked him because I was expecting him to be a character he wasn't.

See the thing is, when stuff about Doom Annihilation was first coming out a lot of people were pissed because it seemed like it was gonna be another shitty Doom adaptation without Doomguy in it.
Which given a shitty tweet or something by the actor playing Joan going "Who needs a Doomguy when you have a Doomgirl" It's uh, kind of understandable people thought that, being honest. Like the 2005 movie kind of had Doomguy I guess? It had it's own version being Karl Urban's character.
So people were pissed about it and then the director goes "No no you guys! Doomguy will be in the movie! Honest!"

So the entire movie I was waiting to see "Okay what character's gonna be Doomguy? Or is it gonna be similar to the Slayer in Doom 2016." Because I assumed that meant ONE of the characters was gonna be him for the movie and preferably not Joan becauss fuck Joan.

But no. It's Joan because f u c k y o u. It should have been obvious in all honesty but I can have my dreams ok! I wouldn't even really care if that wasn't just a shitty lie from the director to try keeping people from criticizing his shitty movie. Joan is not a good character, and people were complaining because people figured she WAS going to be the movies "Doomguy" so the director saying he was going to be in it just for it to still be Joan is kind of shitty.

That or he meant the guy that is dead right when the zombies come in, and isn't actually a chatacter, that they named William Blazkowicz. Since something something according to people on the internet Doomguy in the original games is supposed to be a descendant of BJ Blazkowicz from Wolfenstein.

That latter option is honestly kind of shittier and probably what the Director meant and it just kind of feels like a big fuck you. Especially when the director likes to go on about how he's making a "faithful Doom adaptation"

Y'know that's why its essentially Doom 2005 the sequel but this time with demons. Obviously Doom would not be easy to adapt into a movie, especially the first 2 considering there isn't much of a plot. But you can't act like you're making a faithful adaptation when barely anything resembles the source material, just slapping UAC onto everything and putting them on Phobos doesn't make it Doom. Slapping in demons that don't look like anything out of the games they're based on doesn't either.

Obviously not everything will be the same from game to movie, things have to be changed, designs have to be made to work and all the jazz. But I don't think it would be unreasonable to assume if your adaptation is faithful there'd be more making it obviously based on the source material than "Well we have the UAC, We have some demons that don't resemble the ones from the game but they are demons and they're on Phobos." There's more ways to make it obviously Doom but keeping it still a movie that works.

Making your characters spout the games difficulties as one liners as a show of "Hee hee we know the game." Is just bad and lazy writing it's not clever and it's the most bottom of the barrel reference you could make. "We made the character say I'm your Ultra-Nightmare! Aren't we clever? You better laugh!" Honestly it's just sad.

The more I talk about this movie the more I realize I hate it, I think the reason I find this movie so bad is that it's trying so hard to seem faithful but doing basically the exact same shit as Doom 2005 and barely doing anything to make up for it.

I'm done talking about this trash fire. I have more to say but it's long enough. It's not very important anyway. If you somehow made it through my rambling incoherent anger at a movie then god you're a trooper.