Chapter 7
Three Months Later

Sitting in the basement of a church filled with the self-righteous and others struggling like me, I found myself tapping my foot and staring at the ceiling, ignoring completely what the other addicts were saying. It’s supposed to be a place of mutual respect. I found that the leader of our group, Todd Ferguson, a man who had dealt with cocaine addiction in his early 20s and lost his left testicle because of it, incredibly annoying. Each week, we’d hear his story. His friends got him into the drug at a party, he used so much one day and almost OD’d. Instead, he started having acute testicular pain that led to him being taken by his mother to the hospital. They did emergency surgery once he came off the drug. Can you imagine that conversation?

He now leads this group. I know way too much about him. Glancing at the clock above his head, I sigh quietly. What a waste of my time. It beats the other option I had though. When I was in the hospital, they told me I could either be in rehab completely locked away for three months or go to these weekly, two hour meetings until they deemed me “healed enough”, that were not unlike Alcoholics Anonymous. Just for crack addicts. And worse. So I chose my freedom. Ironic, I could be done with the rehab by now but at what cost? I wasn’t going to use my fame to get one of those fancy rehab specialists and rooms when ultimately, people who go to rehab find ways to get the drug still. So I chose the meetings.

I had always been a silent observer. I never contributed, never spoke, just sat and waited for it to be over. Today, Todd actually called on me. He also completely called me out.

“Estelle,” Todd said. “Why don’t you share with us why you’ve been coming to the group?”

It took me everything not to burst out with laughter. “Um, anyone who had a TV the last couple of months knows why I’m here,” I replied, snarkily. “It’s not a secret.”

“Speaking our truths is owning them,” he said. “Have you spoken your truth recently? Or since the incident?”

I hadn’t really talked about what had happened. With anyone. Courtney refused to see me aside from visits with the kids and while Stan had called me briefly a couple of times, he was too busy with his new job to actually have an extensive talk. I hadn’t talked about what happened. I had no one to talk to.

Tears started welling in my eyes. Instead of answering the question, I stood up and walked outside. I could feel the heat of the setting sun hit my face. The steps of the old masonry style church were warm and I sat down on them, wondering how I got to this point. As I was sitting there on the stoop, I noticed an old buddy of mine from high school walking by in the bustling crowd.

“John!” I shouted. He turned to face me. I could see the recognition in his face.

“Estelle!” He shouted back, excitedly. I panicked as he came over to me.

“Sh, sh, sh,” I quickly pulled him in for a hug. “I don’t really want to draw any attention.”

He nodded understandingly. “Yeah, I get it. How have you been?”

“Oh, I’m sure you know,” we both laughed and started on the way he had been walking. “What about yourself? Did you end up marrying that one girl? What was her name?”

It was amazing. After not seeing each other for years, we hit it off like no time had passed. “I didn’t marry Kassie, no,” he admitted. “But I did get a job at that bar we used to sneak into. That’s where I’m headed now! Want to come with?I can get you free drinks.” He said, nudging my side with his elbow. As always, I loved my alcohol.

“Absolutely. Is that old piano still there?” I asked. That beautiful piano had been there since before I could remember. Old memories flooded back of sitting at it, pre-fame, playing old songs and singing along with my friends. The older people had enjoyed it, seeing us in our youth singing songs from theirs. It felt like we were united.

“Old Red?” He asked. “Yeah, she’s there. Never gets played anymore, but we get her tuned each year just in case...” he looked at me and grinned. “Are you going to play her?”

I smiled. “Absolutely.”